Can Christians Marry Non-Christians?: A Biblical Theology
“I know it’s wrong, but I have no other choice. I have to get married to a non-believer.”
Sadly, I have known many believers who have said words like these when they are about to be engaged to a non-believer. Like in many other peoples in other counties, Kurdish believers also face many hardships for following Christ. Many have been insulted and rejected by their family. Some have lost their jobs because of their faith. I’m very proud of my brothers and sisters who walk with Christ faithfully despite facing many trials. One of the greatest challenges facing Kurdish believers is marriage. Believers have a difficult time finding a believing spouse. Therefore, as believers wait for a believing spouse and they get older year by year, the temptation to marry a non-believer grows large.
I’ve had conversations with believing friends that went something like this..
My friend: Pastor, there’s this girl I’m talking with, pray for me, hopefully we can get married next month.
Me: Is she a believer?
My friend: Well… No, but she’s open minded. She’s not religious, so she won’t oppose my faith. Maybe God wants to use me to make her a believer.
Me: But you know that God’s word is clear that you should not marry a non-believer. So it can’t be God’s will because it’s against the Bible.
My friend: Yes, but if I wait to marry a believer, I’ll probably never get married. There’s hardly any Kurdish believers. And my family is pressuring me to get married. So I really have no other choice.
Me: Please, trust in the Lord. As a child of God, we must follow Christ. Choosing the way of sin is never right. God will provide all you need to follow him.
My friend: But if I don’t get married, it will be hard for me to resist sexual temptation. I may have to leave the country so I can find a spouse. It would be better to marry a non-believer than to leave the country or to stay in Kurdistan, burn with passion and never get married.
Maybe you’ve heard these reasons or you’re thinking these thoughts yourself. It’s easy to try to justify ourselves that marrying a non-believer is not so bad. But as believers, we’re called to listen to God’s word and obey him above all things. The Bible is clear that believers should not marry non-believers.
This article is written for you to understand what God’s word says about the question, “can a believer marry a non-believer?” This article will show that the Bible clearly says it’s sin for a believer to marry a non-believer.
However, before two people get married, they often have a romantic relationship and talk with one another a lot. Therefore this article also addresses this question, “is it appropriate for a non-believer to have a romantic relationship with a non-believer in hopes they will convert so they can get married?” This article also shows that the Bible teaches that it’s sinful for a believer to have a romantic relationship with a non-believer with the intention or possibility of marriage.
Even if you’re not dating anyone and you don’t think that you are about to get married, this article is for you. You need to be prepared to defend yourself against the pressure to marry a non-believer. If you are going to stand strong and not fall to the temptation to date a non-believer, then you must be convinced that God’s word is clear on this issue. If you don’t firmly believe that God’s word forbids marrying a non-believer, then you may be easily persuaded by romantic attention.
Now let’s look at 7 points about the Bible’s teaching on this issue. I hope to convince you that the Bible clearly says it is sinful for a believer to marry a non-believer.
1) Genesis 1: Marriage is created by God to display his glory by obeying his commands
Genesis 1:26-28 says…
“26 Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”
27 So God created mankind in his own image,
in the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them.
28 God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”
These verses describe how God created Adam and Eve in his image, for his glory, and then he gave them purpose and commands. You see, God himself created marriage. And in these verses we see that God created marriage to be a partnership between a man and a woman in ruling creation under God’s rule. God created Adam and Eve and united them in marriage to bring him glory and live under his blessing by obeying his commands.
Practically speaking, this truth affects every single decision a married couple has. For example, how do you decide what you should do at any point in your life? Should you do what pleases the Lord, what pleases yourself, or what pleases others? For believers, we always aim first to please the Lord. But for the non-believer, their priority is their own self and others. Therefore, a believer and non-believer have two different purposes in marriage. This will create conflict in marriage.
2) Genesis 2: Marriage is a partnership in doing God’s work.
Genesis 2 describes God’s creation of Adam and Eve in more detail. Genesis 2:15–17 says:
15 The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. 16 And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; 17 but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”
God put Adam in the Garden of Eden to care for it and protect it. God gave Adam authority. But Adam was to use his authority under God’s authority. This relationship between God and Adam is symbolized by the two trees; blessing and life for living under his rule; curse and death for refusing his rule. The rest of Genesis 2 explains how Adam is unable to fulfill his calling alone. He needs a suitable helper in order to do that. Therefore God made Eve to be Adam’s helper so that together Adam and Eve would work in unity to fulfill God’s calling to bring glory to his name. Therefore, marriage is a partnership. The words, “It is not good for man to be alone” are true because man was created to have a partner.
God created man in such a way that he is not able to fulfill his calling to reflect God’s glory alone. He created man and woman to be in relationship with one another in order to more fully reflect his glory.
You see, a Christian marriage is a partnership in the gospel where a man and women work in unity for God’s purposes and glory. But if a believer marries a non-believer, they are partnering with someone who is a member of the kingdom of darkness. And what partnership does light have with darkness?
Note: This doesn’t mean that single men and women can’t reflect God’s glory. In the context of their relationship with other believers in the church, they are able to work in unity with men and women in the church to display the glory of Christ as God intended.
3) Genesis 3: Marriage is harmed by sin.
Genesis 3 shows us how marriage becomes damaged by sin. Before Adam and Eve sinned, they were naked and unashamed. But after they sinned, they became ashamed and they hid from one another and from God.
When God curses them because of their sin, God declares how marriage will now be a battle of one sinful will against another. In Genesis 3:16, God tells Eve, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
This means all marriages are hard. But in a Christian marriage, spouses have the opportunity to call one another to submit their sinful wills to God’s perfect will. When marrying a non-Christian, you lose out on the blessing of having a spouse who calls you to submit to Christ. A non-Christian spouse doesn’t help you follow Christ. A non-Christian spouse has no interest to submit their own will to Christ. This will harm a marriage.
4) The Old Testament forbids marrying unbelievers and warns it will cause God’s people to forsake God
Just before God’s people entered the promised land, God gave his people his law to show them how to live for him. The land that God was taking them into was occupied by many other nations who worshipped false gods. In Deuteronomy 7, God commands his people to not marry with people from these other nations. Why? Not because they were non-Israelites by blood, but because they did not believe in or worship the true God. Deuteronomy 7:3-4 says:
“Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons, for they will turn your children away from following me to serve other gods, and the Lord’s anger will burn against you and will quickly destroy you.”
Notice the reason why God forbids marrying non-believers. He says, “for they will turn your children away from me to serve other gods.” God doesn’t encourage the Israelites to marry open minded non-Israelites who are not very religious in hopes that the Israelites will convert them. No, God warns that marrying non-believers will be a reason that the believers fall away from God, not a reason that non-believers become believers.
Consider King Solomon, the son of David. God had given King Solomon much wisdom. He was much more wise than you or me. He wrote most of the book of proverbs in the Bible. But even King Solomon was taken away from God by wives that were non-believers. Look at 1 Kings 11:1-6:
King Solomon, however, loved many foreign women besides Pharaoh’s daughter—Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians and Hittites. 2 They were from nations about which the Lord had told the Israelites, “You must not intermarry with them, because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods.” Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love. 3 He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray. 4 As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God, as the heart of David his father had been. 5 He followed Ashtoreth the goddess of the Sidonians, and Molek the detestable god of the Ammonites. 6 So Solomon did evil in the eyes of the Lord; he did not follow the Lord completely, as David his father had done.
If King Solomon could not resist being led astray by his non-believing wives, then we should not think that we are stronger than Solomon. Choosing sin always leads us away from God. It is never God’s will that we sin.
In the book of Ezra, Ezra the priest finds out that many Israelites had married non-believers. What is Ezra’s reaction to this? Ezra 9:3-6 describes his reaction:
3 When I heard this, I tore my tunic and cloak, pulled hair from my head and beard and sat down appalled. 4 Then everyone who trembled at the words of the God of Israel gathered around me because of this unfaithfulness of the exiles. And I sat there appalled until the evening sacrifice.
5 Then, at the evening sacrifice, I rose from my self-abasement, with my tunic and cloak torn, and fell on my knees with my hands spread out to the Lord my God 6 and prayed: “I am too ashamed and disgraced, my God, to lift up my face to you, because our sins are higher than our heads and our guilt has reached to the heavens.
Does Ezra say, “it’s not a big deal, these spouses from other nations aren’t that religious anyway, hopefully the Israelites will convert their non-believing wives.” No! Clearly, to a holy man who loved God, breaking God’s command by marrying non-believers was a very, very serious sin. It was not something small.
If a believer thinks they can keep following Jesus even with an unbelieving spouse, they underestimate their own weakness. Unfortunately, I know many Kurdish believers who have disobeyed God’s word and married non-believers. Before marriage, these people were faithful in church and eager for serving the Lord. However, for the vast majority of these believers, after marrying a non-believer, they slowly became far from the Lord. They became busy visiting their wife’s family, and that took them away from church. For some, their non-believing spouse didn’t want them to be known as a believer because they thought it could cause trouble for the family, therefore the believer slowly grew cold with Christ and the church. Sadly, history tells us that for the vast majority of believers who marry non-believers, the believer falls away from Christ and the non-believer is not converted.
Yes, all these verses described in this part are in the Old Testament, but they still serve as a warning for us. Since God is so clear and serious about forbidding marriage to non-believers in the Old Testament, then it would be very surprising and have to be abundantly clear in the New Testament if God allowed it. But the new testament, like the old testament, doesn’t allow it.
5. The New Testament affirms the prohibition to marry unbelievers
In the New Testament, there are a number of verses that make it clear that this Old Testament prohibition still stands. One of the most clear verses is 1 Corinthians 7:39.
“A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.”
This verse gives instruction to women whose husbands’ have died. Paul says a widow is free to marry again, but there’s one condition. That the husband belongs to the Lord, meaning that the husband is a believer. There is no reason to think that this clear command to marry a believer only applies to people whose first spouse has died. This command would also apply for people who are marrying for the first time.
But that’s not the only verse in the New Testament. Look at 2 Corinthians 6:14.
“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”
This verse isn’t only about marriage, but it teaches a more general principle that the church should keep itself separate from fellowship with non-believers. However, this verse would apply to marriage, because what closer fellowship is there than the fellowship with one’s spouse? Does a believer want a marriage that’s not a fellowship? In reality, every marriage is a “fellowship” or “partnership” in something. If a believer marries an unbeliever, they are disobeying this verse. They are yoking themselves with unbelievers. This is very serious.
Also consider 1 Corinthians 9:5.
“Don’t we have the right to take a believing wife along with us, as do the other apostles and the Lord’s brothers and Cephas?”
We see in this verse that Paul says that he, along with other apostles, have the right to be married. But he doesn’t just say that he has the right to marry. No, he says that he has the right to marry a believing wife. If an apostle took an unbelieving wife, that would have been disobedience to God and disqualified them from ministry.
There are no verses in the new testament that would affirm a believer to marry a non-believer. Clearly, the New Testament supports the Old Testament prohibition of intermarriage with unbelievers.
6. The Old Testament describes believing marriages in a very positive way.
Proverbs 31 calls a young man to look for a woman of noble character. The climax of the poem, and the source of everything noble about her, is reached in verse 30:
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”
What is it that would most attract you to a potential spouse: charm, beauty, or fear of the Lord? With a non-Christian, there can only be the first two: deceptive charm or fleeting beauty. The old testament says it’s good to marry a lady who fears the Lord.
7. A clearer positive vision for marriage is revealed in the New Testament.
The New Testament gives a clearer revelation of the meaning of marriage than the old testament. The union between a husband and a wife is a picture of Christ’s love for the church. The whole point of marriage is to point to the gospel (Eph. 5:21–33; Rev. 21:9–27). In addition to that, the relationship between a husband and wife in marriage points to the close relationship between God the Father and God the Son (1 Cor. 11:3).
The Bible calls spouses to love and respect one another. As we’ve seen earlier, they’re to live in unity and enjoy one another. Marriage is a great blessing and source of joy. The blessing is a godly marriage with a believer is one of the greatest blessings on earth other than salvation.
To marry a non-believer is like two artists trying to paint two different pictures on the same canvas. You’re trying to paint a picture of Jesus and the church, but your spouse is trying to paint something entirely different.
Or, to use an example from music, it would be a partnership where one person is trying to sing one song, and the other is trying to sing an entirely different one. You sing: “I want this song to be about Jesus,” while your spouse sings, “It’s just you and me.”
What’s the purpose of the life of a believer? Jesus tells us in John 17: “Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.” The believer lives to know God through his Son Jesus Christ. It’s far better to live without a spouse and within the company of the church, than with someone who is living for a life that’s not eternal.
But what about dating a non-believer, is that ok?
Since it is clear from scripture that it is sinful to marry a non-believer, then it is also sinful to have a romantic relationship with a non-believer. Why? Because that relationship is progressing towards sin, meaning marrying a non-believer. Having feelings and desires to talk with a non-believer with the intention of marriage is a temptation to sin. It is a temptation to call good something that God calls wrong.
And let’s be clear and honest, if you spend a lot of private time with someone of the opposite gender, you are likely to start having romantic feelings for them. I’ve had many guys tell me… “This girl is just my friend. We’re just talking. We’re not planning to get married.” But they keep spending time together, they keep talking on the phone, and before long, they’re in love. What I’m saying is this, it’s foolish to spend lots of one-on-one time or spend hours texting and talking on the phone with someone of the opposite gender if they’re not a believer even if you say, “we’re just friends.” Why? Because it will likely lead to your growing feelings for them.
But maybe you say, “I want to share the gospel with them, maybe they’ll come to faith.” I hope they do! But it’s better that you introduce them to a believer of the same gender, and that person can share the gospel with them. If they’re really interested in the gospel, they’ll be just as delighted to hear about it from them as from you. If that person becomes a believer, then you can begin talking with them in hopes of marriage. But before they become a believer, having a love relationship with them is sinful. You have no control over their salvation, so you should not date them in the hopes that they will believe in Christ. This is foolish and unkind to the person you are dating.
If you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend that is a non-believer, confess this sin to God and repent by ending your relationship with them. The longer you continue in the relationship, it will only get harder to break up. Ask God for strength to help you obey him. Also, confess this sin to a pastor in your church. Ask him to help you repent and break off the relationship.
Some practical advice
Maybe your family is trying to pressure you to marry a non-believer. Even if your family is pressuring you to do this, that doesn’t make it right. It’s still sinful. God calls us to obey him rather than men. Don’t be alone in this situation. God’s given you the church. Pray and ask your pastor for help to obey God in this situation.
If you desire to be married and you don’t know anyone that could be a potential spouse, don’t give up on praying for a spouse. Maybe God will answer your prayer. Also, speak to your pastors and ask them to help you find a spouse. They may be able to speak to people in other churches and help you find a spouse who is a believer.
Marriage is a blessing from God. However, God does not promise that every believer will get married. However 2 Peter 1:3 does promise us that, “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” Are you worried about not being able to resist temptation and have joy in life as you wait for a believing spouse? Believe the Lord’s promise in 2 Peter 1:3. He will protect you from temptation. He will give you all you need to live a joyful life for him.
When it seems like there is no way you will be able to resist the temptation to marry a non-believer, remember 1 Corinthians 10:13:
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
May the Lord strengthen you and give you joy as you obey him.
This article is largely based on an article written by Mike Gilbart-Smith on the 9marks website. Joe Carroll adapted this article to be more connected to the Kurdish context.
Read the original article here.
