Believers Must Not Beat Their Wives
Every culture has good aspects that reflect the image of God. When the gospel enters a culture, it redeems these positive aspects and fills them with a deeper and better motivation. Kurdish culture has a long tradition of respecting women and giving them honor. Kurdish rulers like Queen Khanzad or Adela Khan of Halabja reflect this tradition, as does the honor given to the women peshmerga of Rojava. Many Kurdish cities also have public statues honoring the mothers of Kurdistan. However, among Kurdish believers, this cultural honor shown to women will be even deeper and more powerful. This is because believers are now free to honor women from a heart that has been transformed by God.
But every culture also has some dark aspects, some evil areas that need to be exposed and destroyed by the gospel of Jesus Christ. The practice of wife beating is one of these areas in Kurdish culture that will be destroyed among Kurdish believers as their lives are transformed by Jesus Christ. This is because wife beating is always a sin. And it is a sin that is directly against the nature of Christ and his gospel. Yet it is a practice that is common in Kurdish society, even among believers.
Many Kurdish believers grew up in homes where their fathers beat their mothers. Many have heard from their fathers or uncles that this is what it means to be a man. Some Kurdish tribes even teach their members that it is important for the husband to beat his wife on the night of their wedding, so that his authority will be established. Because of this kind of culture, many feel that wife beating is a normal practice for dealing with conflict in marriage. Even believing men who know it is wrong might still beat their wives when they get angry because this is what was modeled for them by other men, and they do not yet know how to lead their wives like Christ leads the church.
The first thing to understand is that the Word of God does not allow husbands to beat their wives. There is no command in the Old Testament or the New Testament telling men that they should use violence to make their wives submit to them. Instead, Ephesians 5:25, 28-29 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church.”
These verses command husbands to love their wives just like Jesus loved his people, the church. How did Jesus love? By giving himself as a sacrifice. This is the opposite of violence. Instead of using force to make a wife submit, a faithful husband leads his wife in a self-sacrificial way. Further, these verses say that a man should love his wife as he loves his own body. No good man does violence against his own body. Rather, a man loves his own body by providing for its needs and even by providing for its happiness. Therefore, a godly man should love his wife by providing for her needs and even seeking to fill her life with joy.
Similarly, 1 Peter 3:7 says, “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” Again, instead of husbands using violence to control their wives, husbands are commanded by God to live with their wives in a considerate way and to treat them with respect. Why? Because their wives are their spiritual equals and because they are physically weaker than they are. In many cultures, husbands beat their wives because they wrongly believe that women are less valuable, less wise, or more sinful than men. They are often able to beat them because most women are physically weaker than men. The Bible is honest when it says that most men are physically stronger than women. But instead of this permitting wife beating, God’s word makes this a reason to treat women respectfully. Then God’s word gives a second reason for husbands to respect their wives – because wives who are believers are equal heirs of God’s grace with their believing husbands. For one heir to unjustly use their power to abuse another heir who has equal position and rights is both shameful and wicked. And God, the one with authority over each of his heirs, will judge them for this.
Yes, the Bible says that men are the head of their wives, that they have authority to lead them (Eph 5:23). But how are they to use this authority? Not for violence, but for love, respect, and to live with them in a considerate way.
Do you believe that this kind of man is weak and effeminate? Remember that Jesus Christ lived gently and humbly, yet he was the standard for a strong and true man. Even though he was patient and respectful with all, this never made him weak. Instead, his strength and courage meant he willingly accepted torture and death on the cross, all for the sake of love. He had the strength to destroy his disobedient people anytime he wanted to. But he didn’t use this strength against them. Instead, he did the more manly thing of exercising self-control and only unleashing his good strength against Satan, sin, and death, defeating them forever. In this way, he freed his people to truly follow him.
Friends, we must all realize that the understanding of manliness that we have received from our sinful cultures is wrong and incomplete. And we must work to define manliness as the Bible does.
Imagine a strong and capable shepherd. This shepherd is never violent with his sheep. Instead, he is steady and gentle and kind with them, providing for them, protecting them, and even loving them like his own family. However, when the wolf comes, this shepherd is ready and able to kill this predator. This is the Bible’s understanding of strong masculinity. A man who beats his wife is like a bad shepherd who is violent with the sheep, or like a dictator who kills his own people. That man needs to stop harming that which he is meant to protect, and instead use his strength against his true enemies, like Jesus did, against the spiritual enemies of Satan, sin, and death.
Just like strength, anger can also be good. But it must be used in the right way. God feels holy anger when he sees injustice and the oppression of the weak (Rom 1:18, Prov 6:17). A godly man should also feel anger when he sees these evils, and that good anger should cause him to pray and to protect those in need (Eph 4:26). However, the kind of anger that causes a man to beat his wife is always sinful. It is anger for the sake of selfish desires, not anger for the sake of protecting others.
Why would a wife do what a husband asks her to do if there is no threat of violence? What will make her respect her husband and do what he says? We find the answer to this question in the nature of our relationship to God. Before we were believers, we knew that we deserved God’s eternal punishment in hell, his holy anger against our sin. But this threat of hell was not able to make us truly submissive to him. Instead, it was God’s love and his sacrificing himself for us that made us, through faith, able to love him, submit to him, and truly follow him from our hearts.
Christian husbands’ relationships with their believing wives reflect this relationship between God and his people. It is not the threat of punishment that truly helps a woman to respect and submit to her husband. No, it is her husband’s faithful, sacrificial love. Christian men must believe that God’s wisdom for marriage is more effective than the wisdom of their own culture. They must trust God that if they truly love and lead their wives in this way, then this is the best way to help their wives live in a faithful and respectful way.
What should a believer do who has beaten his wife in the past or who is tempted to beat her now? This man must first repent to God. Then, he should repent to his wife with true humility and regret, as well as repenting to any other family members who witnessed his violence. This man should also confess this sin to his pastors and ask them to counsel him and his wife so that this type of sin does not happen again. This man will need help to develop a practical plan so that this kind of sin is not repeated the next time he gets angry. In some cases, the wife will need to live separately from the husband temporarily. And it may take a long time for a wife to learn to trust her husband after he has abused his power over her in this way. Depending on local laws and the severity of the violence, sometimes it is also necessary to involve relatives or the police.
What should a believing wife do who has been beaten by her husband? First, it is important for the woman to believe that God sees the sin that has been done against her. God is her defender, and he will bring perfect justice for every act of violence done against her. Jesus’ blood is also powerful to cleanse her from any false shame that she might feel by being abused in this way. Second, this woman should seek help from other trusted believers and pastors. Sin grows in secrecy, so it is helpful to bring the violence happening in the home into the light by carefully sharing the information with pastors or other mature believers. If her situation is dangerous, this woman should flee to a safe place as soon as possible, maybe the home of another believer or a family member. However, in many situations, it is possible for a wife to remain with her husband, and even to display the power of the gospel to her husband as she humbly submits to him, even when he sins grievously against her (1 Pet 3:1-6). But any wife being beaten or threatened by her husband should immediately seek the wisdom of her pastors and other believers to help her discern what is right for her situation.
When a husband has beaten his wife, restoration for the marriage is often possible, but not always. Church leaders handling these situations should be focused on the wife’s safety and on making sure that both husband and wife are getting pastoral counsel about their sin and suffering. Sometimes, it is not possible or good to save a marriage where there has been much violence. At a certain point, a very violent man who will not repent and change disqualifies himself from living with his wife and even from being a husband. Every marriage where there has been violence requires great spiritual wisdom. But the main goal in these situations should be faithfulness to God, safety for the wife, and true repentance for the husband, no matter what the consequences are for him or his marriage.
The blood of Jesus is powerful to forgive and cleanse every repentant husband who has beaten his wife. But it is also powerful to change him so that he becomes a true man, a man like Jesus. Furthermore, Jesus’ blood is powerful to bring healing and hope to every wife who has suffered violence from her husband, and to restore even the most hopeless of marriages.
None of us is a slave to the dark aspects of our culture or the practices we have learned from our parents. In Jesus, every chain can be broken, and every believer can repent and change. Slowly but surely, the gospel of Jesus Christ will transform Kurdish believers until their marriages are full of love, respect, godly leadership, and godly submission. When unbelievers see these transformed marriages, they will be amazed and will want to know how such a change is possible. And believers will tell them. It’s possible because of the amazing power of Jesus.
